I seriously don't know what it is about me that attracts the homeless and drug addicted flotsam of our society but every time I walk into a city of any size I am immediately accosted by someone who smells like urine and is "just trying to make bus fare."
I don't get it. I'm a big dude who has tattoos and piercings and a near permanent scowl that was issued to me by the Marine Corps. I don't walk around so much as "march" to my destination like I own it and the pavement between. Hell, I wouldn't approach me and I'm more than aware that I'm just a big teddy bear who plays a tough guy on TV.
The most recent offense was this past weekend. My friend Jon and I were in the city for the Dragon*Con staff meeting and had decided to go to dinner with some good friends of mine whom I hadn't seen in a long time. As we were leaving Hsu's Chinese Restaurant I was immediately approached by a guy wearing what looked like terry cloth "do-rag" on his head, a sleeveless Tommy Hilfiger shirt (I saw the brand patch on the bottom left front of the shirt) that had been roughed up a bit, and designer jeans and shoes that were in a fine state of polish for someone who hadn't "eaten in days." (Yes. I really am that observant. Ask anyone.)
Really, dude? I mean, REALLY?!
A) I know that I don't look stupid and B) you don't look homeless. How did you think that was going to end? Did you think that I was going to naively offer to pay for whatever imaginary affliction you dreamed up in the ten seconds it took you to walk over? Did you think that I wouldn't notice the seventy dollar pants you were wearing? Does this act work and if so can you introduce me to those saps? Because I have a Lunar Subdivision and can get them in for a small investment.
After I politely sent him packing my friends and I finished our goodbyes and Jon and I walked to the train station to catch our ride home. Along the way we were approached by a gentleman in a two piece double-breasted suit and fedora (Yes his shoes were polished, also. I didn't want to repeat myself.) He proceeded to lay out some sob story about his very bad day which included a hospital, a car, his daughter, his wife, something about being a preacher, and needing four dollars.
Jon watched in horror as I allowed the guy to continue speaking and several times I was tempted to laugh at him or to just stop him and walk away. But the guy's story was like something straight from a Wachowski Brothers film (overly complex and full of itself) so honestly, I just wanted to see how deep this guy's rabbit hole would go.
Again, I politely informed the individual that, if financial assistance was his need, that I was unable to be his benefactor and Jon and I walked quickly away shaking our heads in disbelief.
So what is it about me that attracts these unhygienic individuals like moths to a flame? Seriously. I need to know so I can make it stop. Because if I have to say, "Sorry, dude. I don't have any change," one more bloody time, I will start shooting hobos as a release.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
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You know what David, I'm with you all the way on this one. My last act of goodwill I bestowed on a beggar turned me into the proud scrooge I am today. I was at a bus stop and of course if you ever have a child with u the first thing these hobos want to do is tell you how cute your kid is and otherwise try to engage your child in some way...so it goes something like this- hey sweety aren't you beautiful/your momma sure do make some pretty lil girls/ whats yalls name?/O they call me batman/like batman from the tv my daughter asked/yes sweety thats what they call me/do you have superpowers/ummm well I can ride this bike here(with a trash bag tied to the front and back) super fast....(mind you he looks more of the bat part than the man part of his nickname)o sweety r those cheetos good?/batman sure is hungry/maybe your mommy can help batman out so he can get a sandwich from mcdonalds over there/ (ok so trying to represent the giving, selfless mother I want my girls to see, I relent) I give him one dollar,then this cretin proceeds to say if u give me 2 dollars more I can make it a combo at mickey d's WTF??? It took everything in me not to snatch my dollar right from his crusty hands.. So u see tryin to schmooze it up to my child in an effort to sucker some money from a mom can turn one into quite the cold hearted bitch!
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